Trump’s Border Wall, Healthy Food Baby Names – Monologue

-Let’s get to the news.
President Trump spoke
at a Hanukkah reception today
at the White House.
Well, technically, he made
a wish and blew out the candles.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
According to The Daily Beast,
President Trump dismissed
the economic impact
of increasing the national debt,
saying that he, quote,
“Won’t be here
when it becomes a problem.”
[ Laughter ]
Which is, incidentally,
the same thing he said
before Don Jr. was born.
“By the time this thing’s
a problem, I’m —
I’m going to be out of here.”
[ Laughter ]
Republican senators
introduced a bill today
to fully fund President Trump’s
$25 billion border wall.
And if you’re wondering how
they’re going to pay for it,
it’s also a dunk tank.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
The 2019 —
The 2019 Golden Globe
were announced this morning,
with Netflix in the lead
among streaming services
with 13 nominations.
So get ready
for your mom to call
and ask you which channel
Netflix is on.
[ Laughter ]
A 75-year-old New Jersey man
has been arrested on suspicion
of running a prostitution ring
out of a nursing home.
[ Laughter ]
He’s the first pimp in history
who actually needs
to use the cane.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Producers announced yesterday
that Steve Harvey
will be hosting
a live New Year’s Eve special
on Fox,
where the ball will drop,
but his eyebrows will not.
[ Laughter ]
That’s right —
Steve Harvey will be hosting
a live New Year’s Eve special.
So get ready for him to announce
the wrong year.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Applause continues ]
Biologists are reporting
that the world’s oldest bird,
which is at least 68 years old,
has laid a new egg.
It waited this long because
it was focusing on its career.
[ Laughter ]
MTV is reportedly working
on a reboot
of its animated show
“Celebrity Deathmatch,”
where Claymation re-creations of
famous people fight each other.
And if you’re curious
what a clay version of Ted Cruz
looks like,
yeah, about the same.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
A man…
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Applause continues ]
A man who turned 101 this week
gained media attention
after he credited his longevity
to drinking one Coors Light
every day at 4:00 p.m.
for the past 15 years.
[ Laughter ]
So there you go —
the secret to longevity
is to lay off the Coors Light
until you’re 86.
[ Laughter ]
according to a new report,
the number of parents
naming their babies
after healthy foods, such
as kale, kiwi, maple, and hazel,
has increased…
and just when
we got rid of bullying.

William Babineau

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